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They say there are three character traits that describe the man. They are, in Hebrew, ka’aso (his “anger,” or how he behaves when he is upset), kiso (his “pocket,” referring to his willingness to share his wealth) and koso (his “cup,” referring to how he behaves after drinking). Here, we will discuss one of those traits – ka’as (“anger”) – because it appears in our weekly Torah portion (Vayeitzei), in the person of our forefather, Yakov Avinu. Any character trait that stands out in our parsha, let alone in the behavior of our forefathers, is worth investigating.
We see Yakov becoming incensed with his father in law, Lavan in the latter part of our parsha (Gen. 31:36). After twenty years of experience working for Lavan, during which Lavan tried repeatedly to switch Yakov’s wages, as well as to divert all profit to himself, Yakov had had enough. God appeared to him in a dream and informed him that the time had come to return to the holy Land, to Israel. After discussing it with his wives, Yakov set out on the path, without informing Lavan. Lavan, however, soon got wind of the plan, and set off in a hurry to overtake Yakov. After catching up with Yakov and accusing him of stealing his “idols,” Lavan searched all of Yakov’s encampment and found nothing. At that point that Yakov had enough. He became angry and “let him have it.”
But, we need to examine this closer. The Torah declares anger to be similar to avoda zarah, or “idol worship.” It is considered a very negative trait, one to be avoided at all costs. And if so, why would Yakov have allowed himself to become angry? While it is true that everyone gets angry at some point – we all have our “buttons” that ignite and irritate us – nevertheless, Yakov was one of the forefathers and as such all of his words and actions were a sign and example for all subsequent generations. Therefore, we are justified in asking why Yakov let himself become angry even in this situation.
The answer, says the Ilana deChaya (R’ Menachem Mendel of Rimanov) lies in Yakov’s exact words to his father in law. The Torah says the following (Gen. 31:36), “And Yakov became angry and argued with Lavan, and Yakov answered, saying to Lavan, what is my crime, and what is my sin, that you have chased after me?” The key phrase is “saying to Lavan” (leimor in Hebrew). Similar to English, in Hebrew there are a number of ways of expressing the word for “speech.” One such word – dibur – implies speaking in a tough, straightforward manner. However, the Torah chose to use the word leimor, to tell us that Yakov did not speak to Lavan in a tough manner. He spoke to him in a composed, reasonable tone – that is what is implied by use of the word leimor. Even though he may have been “wound up,” and possibly angry inside, he did not express his anger outwardly. He spoke with Lavan – even while arguing with him – in composed, reasonable terms. In other words, Yakov managed his anger – he did not let it get out of control and inflame the situation.
The Ilana deChaya tells us that here there is a message for all of us. Without doubt, we all encounter situations in which we deserve to be angry. Sometimes, there is a need to respond strongly and forcefully, and even express displeasure. However, as Yakov showed us, there is a technique for doing so. We start by responding normally, reasonably. And in that reasonable tone of voice, we ask, “What did I do? Why do I deserve this behavior from you?” The verse tells us that “Yakov was angry, and argued and answered Lavan,” all of which implies that he should have spoken strongly and loudly with him. However, we see that in the end, he did the opposite; he maintained his composure and spoke reasonably. In this manner, there is hope that we can defuse the situation and arrive to a positive resolution of the argument. And if not, at least we tried.
As the Ilana deChaya concludes, “This is how everyone should act when he becomes angry and begins to speak heatedly. He should immediately remove the anger from his heart and speak reasonably with his friend, saying, ‘What is my crime and what is my sin that you are doing this to me?’ In that way, the friend’s anger will also subside, everyone will co-exist in peace and quietŔ